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Self-Awareness

What’s Possible with “No”?

February 23, 2013 By Shae Hadden

Someone mentioned to me in an interview this week that “No” can shut down the future almost as fast as it’s spoken. Their belief: that the word throws up a roadblock to stop things from happening. And that the roadblock can close the door on any conversation or relationship.

We were talking about getting people with different perspectives to collaborate. In that context, “No” may signal that the person is attached to their position or that they’re unwilling to try on other perspectives. Or it can signal the establishment of a boundary—a protective position to keep others out, to create the space they need to feel safe, to avoid being harmed again. The boundary can help them regain some sense of control in a challenging situation. Whatever the reasoning behind the response, it is not for us to judge. But it’s up to us to deal with it.

So where does “No” leave us?

Indeed, what’s possible when someone throws up a roadblock?

When I was a kid, I’d create all kinds of ways to deal with being turned down—from crying and temper tantrums to complaining to someone else or asking another adult for the same thing. I’d create and invent and try out all kinds of ways to get to a “Yes”. Sometimes I’d just learn to live with the “No” until something else came along that I wanted just as much. But over time, after repeatedly not getting what I wanted, I learned to avoid rejection by either not asking for what I wanted or by giving up and shutting down at the first hint of a negative response. “No” became “no way, no how, not ever.”

As adults, we don’t have to go there. “No” can mean “not now” or “not you” or “not this way”. We can honor and respect each other by clarifying what is meant and then gracefully accepting the “No”. Even if, to us, the response seems irrational or unwarranted. Even if rejection hurts.

I don’t think “No” necessarily kills the future. It may kill one possible future. But not all possible futures. “No” is just a choice. A choice that gives us access to the possibility of other possibilities. Access to people, ideas and things we don’t even see when we’re focused on getting to “Yes” with just one possibility.

So, in this somewhat strange way, I’m grateful for what “No” makes possible. Even though I can’t be certain what those possibilities might be.

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Filed Under: Choice Tagged With: commitment, learning, persistence, possibility, relationship, risk

Wabi-Sabi Season

February 16, 2013 By Shae Hadden

cracked jug_McpheeI think we’ve hit wabi-sabi season. The season to practice honoring and accepting the natural cycle of growth, decay and death. The time for a simple, uncluttered paring down to essentials. A time to find beauty in imperfection.

I feel like everything in my life is being pared down, and then pared down again. Inessential things seem to be falling away: possessions, fantasies, beliefs. What no longer resonates is dropping away. Even the net we all long to find underneath us is disappearing.

I’m coming face to face with my soul.

I look in the mirror and see the eyes of a sweet little blue-eyed girl staring back at me with the sad wisdom of a grown woman. I want to love what I see: the sun glinting copper on greying curls, the frayed edge of a favorite sweater, the smile wrinkles, and the collar hiding a Katherine Hepburn-like neck. I want to believe that there’s a quiet kind of beauty—a field of gold—in each of us just waiting to be discovered.

But Wabi-sabi season comes with not-so-welcome storms of tears.

The unfulfilled hopes of that little girl cry out to me. I’m suddenly grieving a haunted heart. Mourning the passage of time and unlived possibilities. Grieving who I am no longer. Crying out because this body I call mine is impermanent and will one day return to dust. Grieving for the state of the world.

In between cloudbursts, I talk with my coaches. And catch glimpses of that field of gold.

In the midst of this letting go, I’m beginning to see the beauty of cracks and imperfections. I’m beginning to discover the beauty of the soul.

Meanwhile, what remains in my life I care for with fresh precision and appreciation now—especially trusted relationships with coaches, friends and colleagues.

I wonder what will come after wabi-sabi….

Photo credit: Flickr Nick McPhee

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Being Coached by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Filed Under: Self-Awareness Tagged With: coach, possibility, relationship, time

Focus on Creating

September 30, 2012 By Shae Hadden

I love creating. Actually, I love creating what matters to me in the moment. Each completed creation becomes a foundation for new creations. The more I exercise my creating, the more creations I complete, the easier it is to conceive of something I couldn’t see before.

I’ve found it difficult in the last while to let go of some of my old creations. Ones that mattered to me very much when I was making them. But now, if I’m really honest with myself, they do not resonate with what matters most to me in this moment. Hanging on to them out of fondness or obligation or responsibility has me stuck. Hanging on to them feels egocentric, like a painter attached to their canvas, unwilling to sell their creation when millions of art appreciators could be enjoying it. Not that I’ve done anything wrong in owning my creations. It’s just time to let go and focus again on creating.

“When you are creating, where is the focus?
In the real creative process, it is on the creation and not on one’s self.”
Robert Fritz, Creating

A new era in my life beckons.

This week I brought a list of what I want to create next in my life to my coach. After seeing the number of items, he reminded me that I don’t have to create them all simultaneously, and that there is wisdom in choosing which ones to focus on first. And so, I selected my top 4 picks. I don’t have reasons for why these particular 4, and why not 4 others. Or even why I want any of what I want. These things matter to me simply because they matter to me.

No justification required.

What are you consciously choosing to create in your life today?

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Filed Under: Choice Tagged With: coach, creativity, responsibility, time, writing

GPS Unrest

September 23, 2012 By Shae Hadden

Have you ever found yourself without a GPS device, driving in the dark late at night, looking for a sign indicating you’re heading in the right direction? I don’t know about you, but for me, as time goes by, I find it increasingly difficult to remain calm and confident that the last choice I made was the right one. I have no idea whether I’m heading straight into difficulties or moving closer to my destination. So I drive with a bit more caution, a bit less speed, until I find a sign or until there’s more light on the situation.

When we’re on the road to realizing our vision, GPS radio signals and signposts can sometimes elude us. Let’s be clear here. I’m no Pollyana. I expect to experience frustration and loss in my life. Just as I expect to experience joy and abundance.

What I hadn’t expected in my book-writing journey was to encounter this state of uneasiness at this point. The signs have been clear all along that this is the way I have to go. There must be something I’m missing, something I haven’t done or something I haven’t said to have me be anxious now. Something’s out of sync or I wouldn’t be craving some rest from this GPS unrest.

A coach and dear colleague reminded me this week of the following quote.

“…it is the way he has to go, the journey toward it is the only life he enjoys. It is hard; it is exciting; it is satisfying, lonely, joyous, frustrating, puzzling, enlightening, real; it is his life, that’s all. He accepts it.”
Paul Williams, Das Energi

And another dear friend, also a coach, reminds me often that “The only way out is through.”

So I’m choosing to rest with my unrest, to keep moving my body through time and space, to do things that ground me in the present. And meanwhile, consider where I’ve been hesitating to act or acting with hesitation. Wherever my intentions and actions are out of sync.

These will be my signposts.

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Filed Under: Self-Awareness Tagged With: coach, commitment, risk, time, writing

What’s Emerging?

September 1, 2012 By Shae Hadden

Writing this book is an exercise in being with emergence. Patterns emerge out of the multiple conversations I’ve been having with coaches and coachees. Out of those patterns emerge multiple threads of ideas. And as I write those ideas down, a structure emerges from within the writing. It’s as if I could step aside and let the cosmos of the book grow into being.

“In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.”
Carl Jung

I don’t have to make it be organized. I can be part of what’s emerging.

It’s like those instances where things just spontaneously organize themselves—where the meaningless chaos we fear arranges itself into something new. Like a traffic pattern. A market trend. A complex of buildings. A network of relationships.

What are you allowing to emerge in your life?

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This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by O12 from Pixabay

Filed Under: Transformation, Writing Tagged With: coach, coachee, transformation, writing

Really Helpful

June 17, 2012 By Shae Hadden

“When things in the world go well for us, we become confident that we can manage by ourselves and feel we do not need friends, but as our status and health decline, we quickly realize how wrong we were. That is the moment when we learn who is really helpful and who is completely useless. So to prepare for that moment, to make genuine friends who will help us when the need arises, we ourselves must cultivate altruism!”
His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Compassion and the Individual

Saw John Madden’s new film “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” this week. Each of the seven English seniors who travel to this dilapidated ‘resort’ destination undergoes a transformation of some nature in their relationships. Beautiful story that exquisitely captures the essence of life in India and the possibilities in growing older in a culture that perhaps values age and wisdom to a greater extent than we do.

I was particularly inspired by the transformational journey of Muriel (played by Maggie Smith), a racist curmudgeon who comes to India to have hip replacement surgery. As time passes, Muriel gradually and grudgingly starts to appreciate the people around her—including her Indian doctor and the ‘untouchable’ woman who cleans the hotel and prepares her meals.

The ‘untouchable’ acts almost like a silent coach to Muriel. Since they cannot speak each other’s language and must communicate through an interpreter, much of what they share is expressed through their actions and their expressions. Kindness needs no words. The cleaner, profoundly moved by Muriel’s acknowledgement of her, boldly steps outside of her culture’s norms and shares her profound gratitude by inviting Muriel to her home.

Muriel starts to see the world through the hotel cleaner’s eyes. This uptight British matron breaks through her self-imposed barriers and starts to relate to others around her with kindness. We see her reconnect to a long-lost purpose: to be of service to others. We watch her quietly begin to work behind the scenes from her wheelchair to help the young manager secure the funds he needs to keep the hotel open. No longer ‘useless’, Muriel even creates a new purpose for herself—to live in and manage the business side of the very hotel she originally detested.

We all have the potential to be helpful.

We often long to be useful.

To be really helpful, we need relationships with people who are open to receiving our gifts. And we need to know what is needed in the world, where we can be useful.

Life moves towards a homeostatic balance in everything. Receiving balances giving. Giving balances receiving.

Like Muriel, I am learning how to open up to other people helping me, to receiving their gifts in a non-attached, non-dependent way, so that I can be useful and helpful in my own way. My coaches in this are many and varied. Not only do these professional coaches, family members and colleagues help me see where I can be useful, these trusted friends also help me see more clearly and completely what beliefs or habits I have that stand in the way of fully expressing and sharing my gifts.

Perhaps that’s why I caught myself saying “I’ll always welcome a new friend into my life” last week….

 

Creative Commons License

This blog post by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

Filed Under: Self-Awareness Tagged With: coach, relationship, transformation

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