Shae Hadden

Self-Awareness

Nothing to Fix

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“People don’t need to be fixed. The job of coaching is showing people they have a choice and helping them see they can bring forth different futures, different realities into existence.”
Jim Selman

I’m surrounded by books about coaching and leadership from the library again…looking at my calendar and wondering why I do this to myself every so often. It’s as if I believe I need to know as much as possible about a subject before having an opinion of my own. Yet when it comes down to it, books never serve me when it comes to saying something in a conversation that makes a difference in someone’s life.

Case in point.

This week  a friend was telling me about what’s happening in their life. The conversation quickly turned into a downward spiral of blaming others for what wasn’t working. After a while, the monologue came to a dead stop.

I invited them to engage in a coaching conversation, but they declined. Later that night, I realized they were probably thinking my offer implied there was something ‘wrong’ with them, that I wanted to ‘fix’ them or their life. From their perspective, people are ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and the future is going to be pretty much the same as the past. From my perspective, people are neither ‘right’ nor ‘wrong’. And the future each person is living into is their choice.

I feel like there was a mistake made here. I wish I could replay our conversation and tell them a bit more about coaching and who they are for me before I made the offer. Because I actually think this person is a wonderful human being—gifted, talented, kind and generous. I accept them and their life as it is. My offer came from my commitment to them being fulfilled and happy.

My big ‘aha’ in this is that it’s all a matter of choice.

I can let this all go: there really is nothing to fix in them or in me. And when an opportunity to share this with them shows up, I will.

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Grace & Mother

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“What a mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin.”
Henry Ward Beecher

My mother was my first coach.

She always thought twice, once for her three daughters and once for herself.

Her belief in us was unshakable. Her gentle patience, remarkable. Her compassion, a source of strength. Her love, limitless and unconditional.

She was always there for us—forgiving, encouraging, guiding, coaching—no matter what.

When she died suddenly several years ago, I felt guilty for not being there for her, for not fully acknowledging her for teaching me about life and love, for not knowing who she was separate from being my mother. I wore my guilt like a warrior’s shield, trying to protect myself from losses and grief after her death. Eventually, I believed she was truly no longer here.

I was wrong.

Today, I know my mother never left. She is with me still.

The lessons of life and love continue in my many conversations with coaches and coachees.

Her words show up in other people’s mouths. A coach’s presence reminds me of her in some way: her intuitiveness, her stillness, her strength. The way someone describes their relationship with their coach echoes the kind of trust I felt she gave me—a trust that included accepting my choices even when my choices led to unhappiness and failure.

I am proud to be my mother’s daughter.

It is a privilege to become more like her as I grow older.

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Being Coached by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Are you REALLY who you think you are?

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“Human identity is the most fragile thing that we have, and it’s often only found in moments of truth.”
Alan Rudolph

Many of us move through life with just enough of a sense of who we are to function. We have labels for ourselves—like entrepreneur and divorcee, athlete and author—that help define our roles in society and what we do. We have behaviors—like quiet and attentive, focused and caring—that reflect our personality. And we have attributes—like short and petite, lithe and highly allergic—that describe our physicality.

I am all of these. And yet, there is more.

Last weekend my first official coach training course began. On the last day, one of those crystal clear moments of truth allowed me to see who I am in the world. The group was sharing with each person candid ‘popcorn’ feedback. I really wanted to hear how I showed up to this group of relative strangers who were offering to lend me a helping hand. So, as part of being coached in this way, I listened generously to what they saw in me that they want to see more of. I took in what they want me to play with in my way of being.

After they finished, I realized I’m not really who I thought I was. I am who they say I am.

I am the woman I wanted to become 7 years ago. I am not the woman I thought I still was.

That insight—that we can become however we choose to be—shook me. And has had me thinking all week.

Who will I choose to become next?

I don’t know exactly who. But I do know it will have some relationship to my commitments.

More later….

 

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Being Coached by Shae Hadden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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